Not a day goes by that I don’t face multiple challenges, mentally and physically, but especially lately, I’ve had a hard time knowing what to post on here that would be deemed “positive” so I’ve just left it alone. After all, this blog is geared towards my endeavor to achieve a state of happiness in 2014. Reality dictates that’s just not possible all the time and a mental state of happiness can come and go so effortlessly for many of us. I envy people who seem to have that whole “zen” attitude down pat and nothing ever seems to rile them. I want that SO badly!
I am making extreme efforts this week to get back on track and keep as positive a mindset as I can. If I let the haters keep me down, they win, ya know? FUCK THAT NOISE!!!
I find this particular song to be really inspiring and uplifting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8EpFKN1q6Q
I have one of those memories where you can remember snapshots of your life, the tastes, the smells, the colors, the feeling, etc., and one major one in my life is when they tested me in grade school for GT (Gifted and Talented) in 2nd or 3rd grade. I’m not a savant who can tell you what exact date or time of day or anything like that, but damnit I’m good. I do remember feeling an enormous pressure and anxiety about performing well. I was raised to excel at everything, immediately, placed before me, or else I didn’t want anything to do with it. I was trained to be that way! When I brought home grades in high school showing 2 Bs, one of which was a B+ in German IV, I was not congratulated by my father. Instead, he said, “What happened there?” I never EVER felt validated, like anything I ever did was “good enough”.
The moment when I was tested for GT (Gifted and Talented) in grade school, I remember the teacher being a kind, attractive, older woman, who surely knew what it was to discover a true “special one” for advanced classes! I remember doing impressively well throughout most of the tests administered by this kind woman. The defining moment of dread for me was when she simply asked me to define the word “because”. Seems simple enough, right? But the word haunted me and all I found myself saying over and over in that dreadful moment that seemed to last an eternity was, “BECAUSE!” “Because, because, because…” I had frozen in my ability to expound in the way she needed me to at that moment and I could easily see the gears in my future shifting at that very moment.
My parents told me that while the administrators saw an obvious high intelligence, I was no where near the emotional maturity required for such pressures that GT classes required.
The following year, 4th grade in Ms. Rosewitz’s class, full of mostly hooligans that lived in the poorer parts of our neighborhood, in some weird way, these little scamps were responsible for my honed spelling and writing skills that developed significantly over our 4th grade year. Certainly, being punished repeatedly for other classmates’ bad behavior, benefited by the ability to spell like a walking dictionary, because as punishment for one person’s misdeeds, she would force our entire class to write our spelling words of the week several hundred times a day! No wonder I feel like a walking dictionary! I am glad I am, though, as I perceive it to be very beneficial in my life, being a writer and all. 😉 I probably really need to improve upon my comma usage, though. Whattaya think?
I never write in an altered state, but today in particular has been a very tough one and I admit I wrote this half in the bag. I’m having one of those, “I thought I was out and fine and going about my life” moments, but then received one of those, “Oh yeah, remember ME, the person who completely abandoned you when you needed them and stomped your heart to pieces?!” Needless to say, I HAVE NOT responded. I am much better off without that toxicity in my life. I refuse to have any relationship that is not REAL. Anything less is a waste of time and effort.
That Old Pair of Jeans – Hula Hooping Version by Fatboy Slim
I discovered Darlene Ouimet’s blog through my friend Laura, who also has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a condition I was diagnosed with in 2009. So much of what Darlene writes about touches me deeply and I feel almost as if she and I are kindred spirits–she GETS IT! Darlene’s own mother sued her and there’s no doubt in my mind that if I were to publish a book about my life, my own mother would likely do the same thing. She’s already threatened to sue me simply for telling her about all the creepy memories I have of what my father did to me, from as far back as I can remember. I had only told my husband and it was my mother who made the decision to “out” the scandalous information to our extended families, a decision I’m sure she now highly regrets. I’ll be sure to change the names to protect the not-so-innocent if I decide to publish while they’re still alive. Regardless of what type of abuse anyone has survived, I thought this particular link was important to share: http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-grooming-process-of-discrediting-children-and-the-cycle-of-abuse/
Another fresh slate, Day 1…
In addition to this blog, I also write the old school way almost daily with my Papermate and lined-paper journal. A few years ago, after enjoying some Chinese food delivery, something pretty cool happened. Although I’m not a fan of fortune cookies, I do enjoy cracking them open to read my fortune. I save the ones that really resound with me and whatever is happening in my life at that time. I used to stash them all in a tin box but now I tape them into my journal on the very day I get them. I began saving the good ones when I came across one that said to record my life experiences for others to read. I’d already been doing what it proposed but seeing it on a slip of paper from a cookie just seemed like validation, ya know?
The major theme as stated in my 1st entry of this blog is my endeavor to be happy and I truly have faith that 2014 is going to be a much better year. I’m forever hopeful and I know that when you expect good things to happen, they are more likely to! Another fortune cookie message I saved states that even the toughest of days have bright spots, so just do your best! Lastly, the only limits to the possibilities in your life tomorrow are the ‘buts’ you use today…(another keeper).
“Behold, the former things have come to pass; now I declare new things.” ~Isaiah 42:9
I was very excited to hear my husband recently say he is going to try to stop smoking again this New Year and begin eating healthier and exercising more. I look forward to having my “gym buddy” back! We’ve come to an age where you either use it or lose it.
I was pleasantly surprised to be carded at the grocery store the other day. I’d like to experience that feeling more often! She genuinely seemed surprised to read my birth date on my license.
This past year has been extremely challenging in many ways and I pray that 2014 will be a better one for all of us.
I’m very excited for the arrival today of an early Christmas present from my husband: a special glowing LED polypro hula hoop for me from ElectricLifestylz.com, called the Cotton Candy Rainbow Hoop. This is what it will look like in motion:
Ever since yesterday, I feel absolutely awful for making the rash decision to be the messenger of some not so nice news to someone I really care about, thinking at the time I sent her the message that she deserved to know what had been repeatedly said about her, by someone she’d really looked up to. I should have kept my stupid memory to myself because as soon as I sent her the message and then re-read it, I realized just how harshly it probably came across to her. I pray she can forgive me for the anger, pain and icky feelings it resurrected inside her. It was not my intent to cause her pain, but it happened anyway, because I often have what some might call “foot in mouth” disease, where I overshare and in the process, unintentionally offend someone. I really care about her and I care what she thinks about me, and even though I’m just “the messenger”, it’s completely understandable that she may need some time to cool off before wanting to talk to me again. I just hope that she WILL want to continue being my friend, because I care very much about her!
I just found the purple Jägermeister kazoo I got from Corrosion Of Conformity when I first moved to Raleigh, NC, hid away in a side pocket of my red Rampage bag in the closet! I think I’ll use it to sing “Happy Birthday” to my mother-in-law on Winter Solstice.